3AM and staring at the ceiling

Its 3AM and I’m wide awake, I was so tired when I came home around 10PM but I suppose anytime I’m alone these days I just cant shut down. I get to thinking about life and purpose; I’ve discovered I’m a compulsive over analyzer. I miss so much when things were simple. Its been about a month since I ended my four year relationship with my ex and so far I’ve yet to pull the plug completely. I should hate him for “attempting to cheat,” and being stupid enough to get caught but to be honest I don’t want to hate him. I feel like this has happened for a reason and I’m sure I don’t want to be with him anymore but I feel like when he’s gone, when he’s really gone, that I’m just gonna die. I hate to be so dramatic about it and I know, I know plenty of people have gone through what I’m going through in some cases multiple times and even though I know deep down I’m making the right decision, its just so hard to actually put into motion. I have to put this out there, I write this because I have to get it out and an objective opinion is always good, I also write so that I might help others and maybe just maybe others may help me.
The other day my sister asked me what I wanted to do with my life with a serious of seemingly simple questions and although I could tell you what I’m going to school for, I just am so lost past that. It all started because currently I am in the market for a car, so she asked me what type of car I would like and I really had no idea. Then she took it a step further and asked me what kind of car I would ideally like to have in 5 years, after college when I’ve presumably found a decent job but I don’t really have a dream car. “Where would you like to work in 5 years? Where would you like to live?” Everyone should have goals and I suppose at one point I thought I knew but now I just feel so devoid of that. She told me that people who put their goals down on paper are more likely to achieve them. I don’t know if that’s true but I sure would like to give it a try. I guess I’m a bit late but I am declaring my New Year resolutions right now.
1. As perusal I shall continue my yearly attempt to drag my lazy ass to the gym and get into shape before summer arrives and shames me back into my apartment where I will allow s’more pop-tarts to sooth my pain. In actuality I’m not some over weight beastly woman who eats my feelings, although there was a time lol, but I just very much so value the pushing my body to reach its full potential. I don’t want to be thin, I want to be fit.
2. I would like to gain an even better relationship with my camera. I do photography on the side and I don’t carry my camera around with me as often as I should and this, along with completely reading the instruction manual, is a top priority.
3. I would also like to begin painting and drawing more often or just in general. I’ve already begun one painting and I hope to actually get into the student show they have this year at my university.
4. Go on date. This may seem kind of silly but clearly after ending a four year relationship I am completely emotionally unavailable and not looking for a relationship but I am looking to have fun and just meet people and maybe even go on a date. Although I have to admit I think I’m this close (imagine the universal hand gesture that would usually accompany the saying “I’m this close”) to completely cutting off men altogether for an unspecified amount of time. A semi-friend of mine, and the whole “semi-friend” thing is a story for another time, told me about an extremely horrible date she once had with a man she’d met on match.com or one of those webpages. So my semi-friend goes on a date with this guy she matched up with, they have dinner a bottle of wine, yeah sure the guys obviously put on a few pounds since the photo he’d posted up for the webpage was taken but hey she said he had a really cool personality so she over looked that part. The night goes on and as he receives the check he looks at her and says “so your place or mine?” of course she gets the deer in the headlight look on her face and although she knows exactly what he’s asking her she still asks him “for what?” and he blatantly says “What do you think?” My semi-friend was blown away and responded “Oh that’s not gonna happen.” So the guy excuses himself to use the john and she sits there for 20 min. pays the check and then goes out to see that he left. Granted she’d driven her own car and maybe he didn’t have to pay for the complete check but he could have gone dutch and lets not forget the fact that the guy was a complete douche! I’m terrified about dating so silly as this resolution is; it’s really about me facing my fear of dating more than anything.
5. I would like to figure out the answers to the questions my sister asked me. Where do I want to work in 5 years? Where do I want to live? What’s my dream car? Hell I don’t even know where I’d like to go on a vacation if I was offered a free first class ticket to anywhere, I’d be stumped. I just really need to figure out where I’m going.
So a lot has happened this year and yes I’m hurting but I’m trying to just keep going and with the knowledge that day by day its gonna get better, or atleast I hope it will.