3AM and staring at the ceiling

Its 3AM and I’m wide awake, I was so tired when I came home around 10PM but I suppose anytime I’m alone these days I just cant shut down. I get to thinking about life and purpose; I’ve discovered I’m a compulsive over analyzer. I miss so much when things were simple. Its been about a month since I ended my four year relationship with my ex and so far I’ve yet to pull the plug completely. I should hate him for “attempting to cheat,” and being stupid enough to get caught but to be honest I don’t want to hate him. I feel like this has happened for a reason and I’m sure I don’t want to be with him anymore but I feel like when he’s gone, when he’s really gone, that I’m just gonna die. I hate to be so dramatic about it and I know, I know plenty of people have gone through what I’m going through in some cases multiple times and even though I know deep down I’m making the right decision, its just so hard to actually put into motion. I have to put this out there, I write this because I have to get it out and an objective opinion is always good, I also write so that I might help others and maybe just maybe others may help me.
The other day my sister asked me what I wanted to do with my life with a serious of seemingly simple questions and although I could tell you what I’m going to school for, I just am so lost past that. It all started because currently I am in the market for a car, so she asked me what type of car I would like and I really had no idea. Then she took it a step further and asked me what kind of car I would ideally like to have in 5 years, after college when I’ve presumably found a decent job but I don’t really have a dream car. “Where would you like to work in 5 years? Where would you like to live?” Everyone should have goals and I suppose at one point I thought I knew but now I just feel so devoid of that. She told me that people who put their goals down on paper are more likely to achieve them. I don’t know if that’s true but I sure would like to give it a try. I guess I’m a bit late but I am declaring my New Year resolutions right now.
1. As perusal I shall continue my yearly attempt to drag my lazy ass to the gym and get into shape before summer arrives and shames me back into my apartment where I will allow s’more pop-tarts to sooth my pain. In actuality I’m not some over weight beastly woman who eats my feelings, although there was a time lol, but I just very much so value the pushing my body to reach its full potential. I don’t want to be thin, I want to be fit.
2. I would like to gain an even better relationship with my camera. I do photography on the side and I don’t carry my camera around with me as often as I should and this, along with completely reading the instruction manual, is a top priority.
3. I would also like to begin painting and drawing more often or just in general. I’ve already begun one painting and I hope to actually get into the student show they have this year at my university.
4. Go on date. This may seem kind of silly but clearly after ending a four year relationship I am completely emotionally unavailable and not looking for a relationship but I am looking to have fun and just meet people and maybe even go on a date. Although I have to admit I think I’m this close (imagine the universal hand gesture that would usually accompany the saying “I’m this close”) to completely cutting off men altogether for an unspecified amount of time. A semi-friend of mine, and the whole “semi-friend” thing is a story for another time, told me about an extremely horrible date she once had with a man she’d met on match.com or one of those webpages. So my semi-friend goes on a date with this guy she matched up with, they have dinner a bottle of wine, yeah sure the guys obviously put on a few pounds since the photo he’d posted up for the webpage was taken but hey she said he had a really cool personality so she over looked that part. The night goes on and as he receives the check he looks at her and says “so your place or mine?” of course she gets the deer in the headlight look on her face and although she knows exactly what he’s asking her she still asks him “for what?” and he blatantly says “What do you think?” My semi-friend was blown away and responded “Oh that’s not gonna happen.” So the guy excuses himself to use the john and she sits there for 20 min. pays the check and then goes out to see that he left. Granted she’d driven her own car and maybe he didn’t have to pay for the complete check but he could have gone dutch and lets not forget the fact that the guy was a complete douche! I’m terrified about dating so silly as this resolution is; it’s really about me facing my fear of dating more than anything.
5. I would like to figure out the answers to the questions my sister asked me. Where do I want to work in 5 years? Where do I want to live? What’s my dream car? Hell I don’t even know where I’d like to go on a vacation if I was offered a free first class ticket to anywhere, I’d be stumped. I just really need to figure out where I’m going.
So a lot has happened this year and yes I’m hurting but I’m trying to just keep going and with the knowledge that day by day its gonna get better, or atleast I hope it will.

A bitter dose of much needed reality…

I really always considered myself a pretty out going person who was ready to take on the world, discover new things and learn new lessons. I feel like that philosophy that I once strived to live my life by has some how faded into something completely opposite of that. I find now that I’m, although you might not always see it, lacking in confidence and afraid of the world in general, as an avid traveler I’m very much aware of the dangers that are out there but I feel like sometimes the become so overwhelming that I’d just prefer to wall up my windows and give up now rather than risk some of the alternatives. And maybe I’m being a little bit dramatic but that “Human Trafficking” made for TV movie that staring Mira Sorvino had a very big part in this newfound fear. I just don’t understand any more people’s fascination with the end of the world or with movies that display torture, I don’t know if I ever really understood it. I feel as if I’ve moved way past being shocked and more toward actually being terrified of the reality of these situations. But that’s not really the most acrid aspect of my revelation, as I now face the world as a single American woman at the age of 23, I find that I have a serious internal fear of being alone. Its like a having a little nagging person on my shoulder tapping their foot and pointing to the clock, reminding me that I’m only getting older. And that’s another thing, our distain for aging in America. We all get old, it happens, I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with the idea of being young forever when you spend such a large portion of your time actually being older, or what people would consider older 30 and up. I guess after getting out of my 4 year relationship recently I still find it hard to picture myself with anyone, its not like I’m sitting around thinking about my ex but it disturbs me that I cant manage to conjure up a hunky ideal man to aim for. I feel like I have absolutely no idea what my type is! And then done even get me started about meeting people, I’m pretty sure my best friend, who’s been single while I was with my ex, has dated just about all the good guys Fresno, CA. has to offer up and in the end most of them were still douche bags. It doesn’t seem to matter old, young, slightly geeky or socially awkward, completely available or Mr. relationship, in the end they all were extremely vague and completely were always lacking in at least one of the fundamental relationship guidelines. A.K.A. don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t be cheap, don’t be clingy, don’t be possessive and the list goes on. I just need to get out of Fresno, or tell me has the well run dry, are there really no good men out let?

Dont stay up thinking about the past...

Its so hard for me to truly identify why I feel so sad... you'd think it was because my significant other of four years was caught with the attempt to cheat on me thus making me up to break up with him, but that’s not it. You'd think it was because I feel insecure with myself after quite obviously not being enough for this individual seeing as how he had to go and look for something else. You might event think that I’m really so sad because this was my first love, my first time, my first everything… but in all honestly I’m just lonely I’m sad due to the absence of my love, maybe it’s not even him maybe its just absence in general the fact that, even though I have this wonderful support group of family and friends, I still feel so very alone. I know I’m not the only one to ever have a break up and that there are others whose breakups were far more dramatic and traumatizing but of course it doesn’t really register at this point. I feel so emotionally disturbed that I don’t even think I know the true depth of my pain. Every time I think I’m fine I find myself being bombarded by emotional landmines that are planted all though out my being. Why is it so hard to just move on? Even though I know this person is so not worth it, I feel like my bleeding heart personality wont let me give up, I’ve strived so hard to be there for this individual, to care for, to love, to encourage and in the end its so hard to walk away even though no one would blame me, even though I have more than enough cause to just get up and go… I just feel like I’m giving up on him. And its horrible because he so earnestly is trying to win me back and just apologize. He’s sent flowers, begged, even offered to go to counseling and every part of me just wants to be okay with these meager gifts of apology that he’s offering up but I feel that at this point I cant, its my pride as a woman. I must mention this isn’t the first time he cheated on me or rather I caught him attempting to cheat but the first time he actually cheated on me. But that was when we were way younger and he was such a dog, after that he really straightened up and was almost perfect… I just feel like for the longest time I wasn’t encouraging him but rather trying to mold him into the man I wanted, nay, the man I needed him to be for me. And that was my bad, I was wrong in all fairness I should have broken it off a long time ago but I guess I wasn’t strong enough. How do you end something that doesn’t seem to have any huge issues… does this make sense? Its late and I’m just trying to get all this off my chest. I’m just sooooo sad right now, my friend keeps trying to push guys on my but I’m just no ready and I feel the pushing is more likely to push me back to my ex rather than help me move on. Isn’t it amazing some people never find someone they love I think what scares me most is that I myself could be one of those people. I don’t feel like Steven was my true love but I did love him and I’m truly hurting right now because he forced me to end something that I wanted so badly. But perhaps I should thank him more so because I was probably more comfortable than actually in love with him. I mean sure I loved him but in this world at this time love isn’t enough. I’ve not found one case where love was ever actually enough.

better to have loved and lost..?

I feel so numb right now... I've made the decision, with good cause, to leave my boyfriend of 4 years, my first love, my first everything. Its 3:30AM and I cant sleep, I have school but I cant think, I dont want to think because none of my thoughts on this situation seem at all rational. Im sad not for having caught him in an attempt to cheat situation but more so because he's gone. I'm honestly hardly hurt maybe because he was drinking and he didnt actually persue this later but he left a paper trail a mile long that quite clearly showed his intent and I just decided enough was enough. On top of all the general issues we've dealt with as a couple this year, this act of disrespect was the straw that broke the camels back. I love him so much though I almost feel as if theres absolutely no way this is truly happening. He wants to make it work and well he says all the right things I cant help but feel as if I've made a good choice even though its completely distroying me on the inside. I just want to pretend like nothing happened but I cant, I cant be that person who just turns a blindeye. I want to be strong and believe that theres someone else better for me and although I'm sure there is I just can even imagen who. When I was younger I use to be able to visualize who it was that I might end up with one day but now those visions do not come all I see is this person who has hurt me but who I care very much for still. Question, can you still befriends with someone you've had long term relationship with? and if yes how long does it take to get to that point, ballpark? I just want the best for my ex even though I should hate him I know he just needs to grow up and unfortunately I cant help him with that and in some way that kills me because I had hoped that maybe I could.

maybe...

I feel like I'm speeding through the emotional process of a break up... everything in our relationship recently was either really hot or really cold and by hot I meant more of stable and by cold i meant exceptionally questionable, if that makes sense. I suppose nothing about relationships ever really does make sense. You sit around wondering if this person is really the one and then you feel bothered by the fact that your even asking yourself that, shouldn't the "one" just come to you and feel right? Shouldn’t there be some sort of unexplainable epiphany that that person is unique and capable of loving you without you having to explain what it is you need. I know this is an exceptionally naive way of looking at love but what can I say that’s what I've been socialized to think. And now here I am at the end of a perfectly good four-year relationship and all I can say is ... nothing Actually i have nothing specific to say, just need a place to vent i suppose. It was a mutual decision brought on by a fight, apparently I've got to hot of a temper from his standpoint and from mine... I don’t really know what to say our relationship is, or was good, great even but not earth shattering I’ve cried and I know I’m gonna keep crying for a while, it hurts but I have a sort of hope within. Its as if my ridiculous amount of questions as to if he was "it" had lead me to this conclusion long ago but it makes no sense to through away a perfectly good relationship He was always sweet, loving, supportive a true guys guy in every sense of the work guy but he was never completely my kinda guy... I don’t know why, I don’t like it .. But that’s what it is a perhaps that what its always been .. It still hurts though... and it sometimes hurt when I was with him.. he was the only person I know who could take a delicate subject made of good intentions and promise and turn it into something painful and taboo... I found myself hurt more than not, crying when he wasn’t looking, when no one was looking at odd and inappropriate times when we were among friends or out on the town. He continuously hurt me in was i don’t think he realized nor did i fully understand but i know hurt and i was finding much where there had once been understanding and love or perhaps it was just convenience... maybe that’s all we ever were to each other, convenient. The two are often confused especially in the panic to find "the one." Am I scared of being alone? Yes, probably more than anything and that is where I've fault within myself. Whats the difference between wanting to change a man and wanting to be apart of him growing and becoming a better man? It all sounds so similar to me and i think i tried to hard to be apart of my man, well me ex's attempts to better himself.. or lack of attempts.. He’s such a great guy, I love him so much but i often have wondered if love was ever enough to sustain a relationship.. Love alone, along with all the complications that exist in this world. We all know you cant live on it but can you just have something you love and not something you try and grow... does that make sense... for example we all start from square one but as we grow we attempt to grow together and if one part of the relationship continues to grow in the same direction but not at the same rate and not with the same luster, what then? My body is so numb i feel sick from this.. 4 yrs all gone... guess it could have been longer ... you know it really wasn’t the growing thing it was the little things, the tiny things that you notice and that keeps you guessing on your toes and just inspired... then again maybe it was just me...

The unforetold flush of love...

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"I HIT A QUACK!"

The other night a rather odd incident took place on the outskirts of Fresno, it didn’t make the papers and to be honest it hardly resonates in my mind at this moment but I feel it should be noted. What is it that we place value on in this life? Money? Luxury items? Image? What about life in general? Or do you have a price for that too? A few days ago I was in the car when a, not the driver but still a part of the equation, when the car I was in struck a duck who had been curled up on the middle of the road. It was about 3am and we were on a road far from where traffic flowed heavily, so to say this was a “dumb duck” I think would be unfair. I mean, technically this was a classic example of suburbia hell moving onto the turf of animals who were still unfamiliar with the boarders that had, unbeknownst to them, been laid down right through what I’m sure was their usual habitat. Needless to say the duck died, despite our desperate attempts to rush the poor animal to the animal hospital, which if you can imagine was located at an unreasonable distance and the only one open at 3am.
This whole thing got me thinking though, what’s it all worth, our lives, where are we going. If a tree falls and no body is around to whiteness it, did it really happen? Or if a simple duck is struck down in its prime, by an outside force, does it matter? I know we can not compare the life of an animal with that of human, mainly because there are just so many opinions on whether or not animals even have souls but doesn’t it matter in some way. Isnt there some sort of butterfly effect, is there a point? If this little seemingly meaningless duck counts for not, in a universe so vast and majestic, then what could anyone of us ever hope to matter in the greater scheme of thing? Where are we going? And why aren’t we concerned about it now? I know we have religion but most religions are of the cafeteria sort where everyone is picking a choosing the bits they want and for good reason but nonetheless if this is the case then what the hell is the point? I have guilt over this duck… and who knows maybe its got a family out there that misses it. (don’t know the sex of the duck, didn’t check lol so that is why its being referred to as “it.”)….


The other night a rather odd incident took place on the outskirts of Fresno, it didn’t make the papers and to be honest it hardly resonates in my mind at this moment but I feel it should be noted. What is it that we place value on in this life? Money? Luxury items? Image? What about life in general? Or do you have a price for that too? A few days ago I was in the car when a, not the driver but still a part of the equation, when the car I was in struck a duck who had been curled up on the middle of the road. It was about 3am and we were on a road far from where traffic flowed heavily, so to say this was a “dumb duck” I think would be unfair. I mean, technically this was a classic example of suburbia hell moving onto the turf of animals who were still unfamiliar with the boarders that had, unbeknownst to them, been laid down right through what I’m sure was their usual habitat. Needless to say the duck died, despite our desperate attempts to rush the poor animal to the animal hospital, which if you can imagine was located at an unreasonable distance and the only one open at 3am.
This whole thing got me thinking though, what’s it all worth, our lives, where are we going. If a tree falls and no body is around to whiteness it, did it really happen? Or if a simple duck is struck down in its prime, by an outside force, does it matter? I know we can not compare the life of an animal with that of human, mainly because there are just so many opinions on whether or not animals even have souls but doesn’t it matter in some way. Isnt there some sort of butterfly effect, is there a point? If this little seemingly meaningless duck counts for not, in a universe so vast and majestic, then what could anyone of us ever hope to matter in the greater scheme of thing? Where are we going? And why aren’t we concerned about it now? I know we have religion but most religions are of the cafeteria sort where everyone is picking a choosing the bits they want and for good reason but nonetheless if this is the case then what the hell is the point? I have guilt over this duck… and who knows maybe its got a family out there that misses it. (don’t know the sex of the duck, didn’t check lol so that is why its being referred to as “it.”)….


it was this type of duck... and did not get run over by the tire and die right away, which probably would have been better. It looked like it had broken its neck and died as we tried to rush it to the animal hospital. : ( we have come to refer to the duck as ducky ....