The Fear…

The New Year is here and all those old hopes and dreams have, as per usual, begun to bubble to the surface. Every year like clock work, everyone gets this surge of energy, this “I can if I try this year,” attitude which sends them down the path of good intentions but inevitably, for the majority of us at least, we slowly begin to deflate in our enthusiasm, we fizzle out and then we’re done. This year hasn’t really shown any signs of being any different than the last 22 years of my life, especially when compared to the last 10 years where I was actually old enough to be aware of the magic that is a “New Year Resolution.” But, in stead of concentrating on my future goals this year I reviewed my past mistakes, mishaps anything that put me in the position to really feel like I needed a “change.” I’m a girl that’s use to change, no stranger to keeping just enough in my room that I could pack it all up and leave at a moments notice. That was me at least; I was also a good amount more confident and quite a bit surer of where I was going… But now, I’ve realized I was never really sure of where I was going, I just knew where I didn’t want to be and I’ve managed to stay clear of that place (which, if you haven’t picked up on this yet, this place that I don’t want to be isn’t an actual location, it’s more of a state of being). In this retrospection I’ve identified my biggest fear, which I’ve always had but had not yet realized was effecting my every decision. The fear of failure, I know, I know “but everyone is afraid of failure, Amy!” Well I gotta be honest I’m pretty sure this goes a little deeper than the quintessential “Oh what if I’m not voted best looking, or what if I lose my bundle in my investment.” Its like a black fog that’s exploded around me, ever since I witnessed my own mothers decent in to this haze I’ve constantly been playing it safe, even in my most intrepid moves I find myself holding on to the ledge, to afraid to jump in. Even when I’m over working myself, I find theirs a method to my strategically putting just enough on my plate, I do just enough in each of my classes, internships, work, art, that I always have the excuse that I’m spread to thin. Nothing is my best work because I never give all of myself to anything. Does this make sense; it made sense this morning. I’ve made a new resolution, its much like the Nike slogan, nope wait it is the Nike slogan, “Just Do It!” I suppose we’ll see how fare this new years resolution goes for me in 2009. If all else fails the worlds suppose to be ending in 2012 anyways so, who gives a shit right..?!