Dont stay up thinking about the past...

Its so hard for me to truly identify why I feel so sad... you'd think it was because my significant other of four years was caught with the attempt to cheat on me thus making me up to break up with him, but that’s not it. You'd think it was because I feel insecure with myself after quite obviously not being enough for this individual seeing as how he had to go and look for something else. You might event think that I’m really so sad because this was my first love, my first time, my first everything… but in all honestly I’m just lonely I’m sad due to the absence of my love, maybe it’s not even him maybe its just absence in general the fact that, even though I have this wonderful support group of family and friends, I still feel so very alone. I know I’m not the only one to ever have a break up and that there are others whose breakups were far more dramatic and traumatizing but of course it doesn’t really register at this point. I feel so emotionally disturbed that I don’t even think I know the true depth of my pain. Every time I think I’m fine I find myself being bombarded by emotional landmines that are planted all though out my being. Why is it so hard to just move on? Even though I know this person is so not worth it, I feel like my bleeding heart personality wont let me give up, I’ve strived so hard to be there for this individual, to care for, to love, to encourage and in the end its so hard to walk away even though no one would blame me, even though I have more than enough cause to just get up and go… I just feel like I’m giving up on him. And its horrible because he so earnestly is trying to win me back and just apologize. He’s sent flowers, begged, even offered to go to counseling and every part of me just wants to be okay with these meager gifts of apology that he’s offering up but I feel that at this point I cant, its my pride as a woman. I must mention this isn’t the first time he cheated on me or rather I caught him attempting to cheat but the first time he actually cheated on me. But that was when we were way younger and he was such a dog, after that he really straightened up and was almost perfect… I just feel like for the longest time I wasn’t encouraging him but rather trying to mold him into the man I wanted, nay, the man I needed him to be for me. And that was my bad, I was wrong in all fairness I should have broken it off a long time ago but I guess I wasn’t strong enough. How do you end something that doesn’t seem to have any huge issues… does this make sense? Its late and I’m just trying to get all this off my chest. I’m just sooooo sad right now, my friend keeps trying to push guys on my but I’m just no ready and I feel the pushing is more likely to push me back to my ex rather than help me move on. Isn’t it amazing some people never find someone they love I think what scares me most is that I myself could be one of those people. I don’t feel like Steven was my true love but I did love him and I’m truly hurting right now because he forced me to end something that I wanted so badly. But perhaps I should thank him more so because I was probably more comfortable than actually in love with him. I mean sure I loved him but in this world at this time love isn’t enough. I’ve not found one case where love was ever actually enough.