A bitter dose of much needed reality…

I really always considered myself a pretty out going person who was ready to take on the world, discover new things and learn new lessons. I feel like that philosophy that I once strived to live my life by has some how faded into something completely opposite of that. I find now that I’m, although you might not always see it, lacking in confidence and afraid of the world in general, as an avid traveler I’m very much aware of the dangers that are out there but I feel like sometimes the become so overwhelming that I’d just prefer to wall up my windows and give up now rather than risk some of the alternatives. And maybe I’m being a little bit dramatic but that “Human Trafficking” made for TV movie that staring Mira Sorvino had a very big part in this newfound fear. I just don’t understand any more people’s fascination with the end of the world or with movies that display torture, I don’t know if I ever really understood it. I feel as if I’ve moved way past being shocked and more toward actually being terrified of the reality of these situations. But that’s not really the most acrid aspect of my revelation, as I now face the world as a single American woman at the age of 23, I find that I have a serious internal fear of being alone. Its like a having a little nagging person on my shoulder tapping their foot and pointing to the clock, reminding me that I’m only getting older. And that’s another thing, our distain for aging in America. We all get old, it happens, I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with the idea of being young forever when you spend such a large portion of your time actually being older, or what people would consider older 30 and up. I guess after getting out of my 4 year relationship recently I still find it hard to picture myself with anyone, its not like I’m sitting around thinking about my ex but it disturbs me that I cant manage to conjure up a hunky ideal man to aim for. I feel like I have absolutely no idea what my type is! And then done even get me started about meeting people, I’m pretty sure my best friend, who’s been single while I was with my ex, has dated just about all the good guys Fresno, CA. has to offer up and in the end most of them were still douche bags. It doesn’t seem to matter old, young, slightly geeky or socially awkward, completely available or Mr. relationship, in the end they all were extremely vague and completely were always lacking in at least one of the fundamental relationship guidelines. A.K.A. don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t be cheap, don’t be clingy, don’t be possessive and the list goes on. I just need to get out of Fresno, or tell me has the well run dry, are there really no good men out let?