A bitter dose of much needed reality…

I really always considered myself a pretty out going person who was ready to take on the world, discover new things and learn new lessons. I feel like that philosophy that I once strived to live my life by has some how faded into something completely opposite of that. I find now that I’m, although you might not always see it, lacking in confidence and afraid of the world in general, as an avid traveler I’m very much aware of the dangers that are out there but I feel like sometimes the become so overwhelming that I’d just prefer to wall up my windows and give up now rather than risk some of the alternatives. And maybe I’m being a little bit dramatic but that “Human Trafficking” made for TV movie that staring Mira Sorvino had a very big part in this newfound fear. I just don’t understand any more people’s fascination with the end of the world or with movies that display torture, I don’t know if I ever really understood it. I feel as if I’ve moved way past being shocked and more toward actually being terrified of the reality of these situations. But that’s not really the most acrid aspect of my revelation, as I now face the world as a single American woman at the age of 23, I find that I have a serious internal fear of being alone. Its like a having a little nagging person on my shoulder tapping their foot and pointing to the clock, reminding me that I’m only getting older. And that’s another thing, our distain for aging in America. We all get old, it happens, I don’t understand why people are so obsessed with the idea of being young forever when you spend such a large portion of your time actually being older, or what people would consider older 30 and up. I guess after getting out of my 4 year relationship recently I still find it hard to picture myself with anyone, its not like I’m sitting around thinking about my ex but it disturbs me that I cant manage to conjure up a hunky ideal man to aim for. I feel like I have absolutely no idea what my type is! And then done even get me started about meeting people, I’m pretty sure my best friend, who’s been single while I was with my ex, has dated just about all the good guys Fresno, CA. has to offer up and in the end most of them were still douche bags. It doesn’t seem to matter old, young, slightly geeky or socially awkward, completely available or Mr. relationship, in the end they all were extremely vague and completely were always lacking in at least one of the fundamental relationship guidelines. A.K.A. don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t be cheap, don’t be clingy, don’t be possessive and the list goes on. I just need to get out of Fresno, or tell me has the well run dry, are there really no good men out let?

Dont stay up thinking about the past...

Its so hard for me to truly identify why I feel so sad... you'd think it was because my significant other of four years was caught with the attempt to cheat on me thus making me up to break up with him, but that’s not it. You'd think it was because I feel insecure with myself after quite obviously not being enough for this individual seeing as how he had to go and look for something else. You might event think that I’m really so sad because this was my first love, my first time, my first everything… but in all honestly I’m just lonely I’m sad due to the absence of my love, maybe it’s not even him maybe its just absence in general the fact that, even though I have this wonderful support group of family and friends, I still feel so very alone. I know I’m not the only one to ever have a break up and that there are others whose breakups were far more dramatic and traumatizing but of course it doesn’t really register at this point. I feel so emotionally disturbed that I don’t even think I know the true depth of my pain. Every time I think I’m fine I find myself being bombarded by emotional landmines that are planted all though out my being. Why is it so hard to just move on? Even though I know this person is so not worth it, I feel like my bleeding heart personality wont let me give up, I’ve strived so hard to be there for this individual, to care for, to love, to encourage and in the end its so hard to walk away even though no one would blame me, even though I have more than enough cause to just get up and go… I just feel like I’m giving up on him. And its horrible because he so earnestly is trying to win me back and just apologize. He’s sent flowers, begged, even offered to go to counseling and every part of me just wants to be okay with these meager gifts of apology that he’s offering up but I feel that at this point I cant, its my pride as a woman. I must mention this isn’t the first time he cheated on me or rather I caught him attempting to cheat but the first time he actually cheated on me. But that was when we were way younger and he was such a dog, after that he really straightened up and was almost perfect… I just feel like for the longest time I wasn’t encouraging him but rather trying to mold him into the man I wanted, nay, the man I needed him to be for me. And that was my bad, I was wrong in all fairness I should have broken it off a long time ago but I guess I wasn’t strong enough. How do you end something that doesn’t seem to have any huge issues… does this make sense? Its late and I’m just trying to get all this off my chest. I’m just sooooo sad right now, my friend keeps trying to push guys on my but I’m just no ready and I feel the pushing is more likely to push me back to my ex rather than help me move on. Isn’t it amazing some people never find someone they love I think what scares me most is that I myself could be one of those people. I don’t feel like Steven was my true love but I did love him and I’m truly hurting right now because he forced me to end something that I wanted so badly. But perhaps I should thank him more so because I was probably more comfortable than actually in love with him. I mean sure I loved him but in this world at this time love isn’t enough. I’ve not found one case where love was ever actually enough.

better to have loved and lost..?

I feel so numb right now... I've made the decision, with good cause, to leave my boyfriend of 4 years, my first love, my first everything. Its 3:30AM and I cant sleep, I have school but I cant think, I dont want to think because none of my thoughts on this situation seem at all rational. Im sad not for having caught him in an attempt to cheat situation but more so because he's gone. I'm honestly hardly hurt maybe because he was drinking and he didnt actually persue this later but he left a paper trail a mile long that quite clearly showed his intent and I just decided enough was enough. On top of all the general issues we've dealt with as a couple this year, this act of disrespect was the straw that broke the camels back. I love him so much though I almost feel as if theres absolutely no way this is truly happening. He wants to make it work and well he says all the right things I cant help but feel as if I've made a good choice even though its completely distroying me on the inside. I just want to pretend like nothing happened but I cant, I cant be that person who just turns a blindeye. I want to be strong and believe that theres someone else better for me and although I'm sure there is I just can even imagen who. When I was younger I use to be able to visualize who it was that I might end up with one day but now those visions do not come all I see is this person who has hurt me but who I care very much for still. Question, can you still befriends with someone you've had long term relationship with? and if yes how long does it take to get to that point, ballpark? I just want the best for my ex even though I should hate him I know he just needs to grow up and unfortunately I cant help him with that and in some way that kills me because I had hoped that maybe I could.