maybe...

I feel like I'm speeding through the emotional process of a break up... everything in our relationship recently was either really hot or really cold and by hot I meant more of stable and by cold i meant exceptionally questionable, if that makes sense. I suppose nothing about relationships ever really does make sense. You sit around wondering if this person is really the one and then you feel bothered by the fact that your even asking yourself that, shouldn't the "one" just come to you and feel right? Shouldn’t there be some sort of unexplainable epiphany that that person is unique and capable of loving you without you having to explain what it is you need. I know this is an exceptionally naive way of looking at love but what can I say that’s what I've been socialized to think. And now here I am at the end of a perfectly good four-year relationship and all I can say is ... nothing Actually i have nothing specific to say, just need a place to vent i suppose. It was a mutual decision brought on by a fight, apparently I've got to hot of a temper from his standpoint and from mine... I don’t really know what to say our relationship is, or was good, great even but not earth shattering I’ve cried and I know I’m gonna keep crying for a while, it hurts but I have a sort of hope within. Its as if my ridiculous amount of questions as to if he was "it" had lead me to this conclusion long ago but it makes no sense to through away a perfectly good relationship He was always sweet, loving, supportive a true guys guy in every sense of the work guy but he was never completely my kinda guy... I don’t know why, I don’t like it .. But that’s what it is a perhaps that what its always been .. It still hurts though... and it sometimes hurt when I was with him.. he was the only person I know who could take a delicate subject made of good intentions and promise and turn it into something painful and taboo... I found myself hurt more than not, crying when he wasn’t looking, when no one was looking at odd and inappropriate times when we were among friends or out on the town. He continuously hurt me in was i don’t think he realized nor did i fully understand but i know hurt and i was finding much where there had once been understanding and love or perhaps it was just convenience... maybe that’s all we ever were to each other, convenient. The two are often confused especially in the panic to find "the one." Am I scared of being alone? Yes, probably more than anything and that is where I've fault within myself. Whats the difference between wanting to change a man and wanting to be apart of him growing and becoming a better man? It all sounds so similar to me and i think i tried to hard to be apart of my man, well me ex's attempts to better himself.. or lack of attempts.. He’s such a great guy, I love him so much but i often have wondered if love was ever enough to sustain a relationship.. Love alone, along with all the complications that exist in this world. We all know you cant live on it but can you just have something you love and not something you try and grow... does that make sense... for example we all start from square one but as we grow we attempt to grow together and if one part of the relationship continues to grow in the same direction but not at the same rate and not with the same luster, what then? My body is so numb i feel sick from this.. 4 yrs all gone... guess it could have been longer ... you know it really wasn’t the growing thing it was the little things, the tiny things that you notice and that keeps you guessing on your toes and just inspired... then again maybe it was just me...